Whether you embrace or resist generative AI chatbots, they are increasingly showing up in people’s romantic lives.
It’s no surprise that many people are skeptical about technology’s role in dating. Even so, a rising number of individuals are treating AI as an informal dating coach or relationship advisor. People are using these tools to get help crafting dating app profiles, figure out what messages from potential partners mean, write responses, and get general advice about romance.
The results, however, can be hit or miss. Knowing how to use a chatbot effectively — and where its limits are — can make a real difference. Here’s what experts have to say.
Logan Ury, the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge, said she understands why people feel uneasy about AI in dating, but no matter how we go about finding love, “what we’re searching for stays the same.” Hinge offers AI-powered tools to help users build their profiles and keep conversations flowing more naturally.
Ury said AI is best used as a wingman rather than a ghostwriter, because “when you show up on that date, it’s very important that who your match meets is the person who they’ve been talking to online.”
In her view, good uses of AI include getting feedback on your profile or brainstorming first date ideas based on your match’s interests. What she doesn’t recommend: copying and pasting chatbot-written messages or using AI to alter or generate photos of yourself.
Dating coach Erika Ettin takes an even more cautious approach. She advises limiting chatbot use to tasks like proofreading your profile or messages. Ettin encourages people seeking relationships to aim for authenticity rather than a polished, AI-crafted image.
“All I ask is for people to put their own thought and critical thinking in first, and then if they’re going to use AI to check something, it’s after they have already formulated an opinion,” Ettin said.
Jules White, director of Vanderbilt University’s initiative on the future of learning and generative AI, pointed out that many users give chatbots “way too little and then expecting it to read their minds.”
The usefulness of the advice you get depends heavily on how you phrase your questions. Vague prompts tend to produce generic answers, while specific, well-structured questions lead to more personalized responses. But White noted that effective prompting isn’t just about choosing the right words — it’s about learning how to “yield this computational thought effectively to solve problems.”
One method White recommends is asking the chatbot to interview you before giving advice. You might say something like, “Here’s what I’m trying to do. I want you to ask me questions one at a time until you have enough information to do that thing,” White explained. This allows the chatbot to refine its questions based on your answers, producing more relevant guidance.
Matt Shumer, a general partner at investment firm Shumer Capital and a well-known figure in the AI world, said the most useful prompts are ones that push you to think more deeply. He advises telling a chatbot not to hand you an answer outright, but instead to “help me get there on my own.” In a dating context, that might mean sharing messages from someone you’re trying to understand and asking the chatbot to help you think through the situation the way a dating coach might.
“Help me understand the nuance, how they might be thinking about it, what the right way to respond is, but don’t give me the answer,” Shumer said.
While many people turn to AI expecting a neutral, unbiased take, the advice a chatbot gives is only as reliable as the information you provide. And many chatbots are designed to be agreeable — meaning they’re more likely to side with you when you’re describing a conflict or disagreement.
If you only share your own perspective during an argument, the chatbot won’t be able to offer a truly balanced view.
Liesel Sharabi, director of the Relationships and Technology Lab at Arizona State University, said sharing information from both sides of a situation can help, but it still won’t fully overcome a chatbot’s tendency to flatter the user.
“Hopefully, if you were having a problem in your relationship you wouldn’t make all of your decisions based on what one friend told you, right? Don’t do that with AI either — use it as one data point among many,” she said.
