Most of us have experienced that uncomfortable moment when we realize we’ve shared too much personal information at the wrong time. Picture this scenario: after a few drinks, you tell your work supervisors about an embarrassing bathroom incident that happened while you were performing on stage in front of hundreds of people.
Harvard business professor Leslie John thought this exact situation would end her career. However, the opposite occurred.
“Those two grand poo-bahs, they became my closest mentors,” John explained. She’s the author of “Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing.” “And it’s not in spite of my having shared my embarrassing story with them, because they’ve told me it’s because of it.”
While John admits she may have been fortunate since her transparency made her stand out among other junior faculty members, the incident demonstrated an important principle.
According to John, most individuals focus on the dangers of revealing too much personal information, but research shows that being open typically creates trust and strengthens connections. She emphasizes this advice applies to face-to-face interactions, as digital sharing presents different challenges.
The question becomes: how can you determine whether you’re revealing too much or not enough?
Rutgers University communications professor Kathryn Greene has researched what academics call “disclosure” for decades, beginning in the 1980s. She notes that people often don’t recognize how frequently they decide whether to share personal information.
“We’re constantly making these evaluations in all of our relationships and reassessing as it goes along,” Greene explained.
According to Greene, situation matters tremendously. Discussing a sexually transmitted infection with your physician differs vastly from bringing it up with your employer.
While personal openness can create bonds between people, revealing excessive information too quickly will push others away.
Greene used dating as an illustration. When two people begin a romantic relationship, they initially share small amounts of information to determine whether their beliefs match.
“There’s a pretty predictable pattern as we test for a positive rather than neutral or negative reaction,” she noted. “It’s going to lead to us potentially sharing more.”
John recommends examining your motivations for sharing and considering whether you’re choosing the appropriate person and moment, which “requires a lot of self-honesty.”
During her pregnancy amid the pandemic, she disclosed the news to her landlord because she craved human connection. The landlord, seemingly concerned about having tenants with children, listed the property for sale the following day, forcing John to relocate.
“If I had been honest with myself, why do I want to reveal this? Because I want love and excitement,” she reflected. “Well, the landlord is not the right person to reveal to.”
However, John points out that people seldom consider the dangers of sharing too little. Without opening up to casual acquaintances, those relationships will never develop into close friendships. Failing to express love to someone special creates missed opportunities that are difficult to repair.
Conversely, revealing too much information can be fixed. John maintains that when you feel you’ve overshared, the solution is to communicate more, not less.
For example, if you believe you may have upset a coworker, this creates a chance to visit their workspace and resolve the misunderstanding.
“What feels like overcommunicating is just communicating,” she stated.
Greene identified one type of oversharing that proves ineffective: when someone overwhelms another person with personal details without allowing them to respond.
Eventually, this imbalance will damage the relationship.
“Most people will try to distance themselves if they’re finding time after time that this balance doesn’t ever shift,” she said.
Gossip represents another problematic form of sharing. John’s studies include examining “spontaneous trait transference.” This means when you share someone else’s private information or speak negatively about them, the listener will unconsciously connect those negative qualities with you and your character.
“It happens automatically, outside of conscious awareness,” John said. “Literally, it makes you look bad.”
However, she believes everything else is acceptable to share, particularly when the objective is feeling more understood. Additionally, sharing creates positive feelings.
John referenced research demonstrating that brain pleasure centers activate when people reveal personal information about themselves.
“Nature has a way of making what’s good for us pleasurable,” she concluded. “In moderation.”
